Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Scoop speaks! An ESPN chat.

Avert your eyes. It's that time of the month again; time for a Scoop Jackson live chat on Espn.com. So you don't have to suffer, here are some highlights.

Because it gets repetitive to post "Uh, Scoop, that's not English" or "Uh, Scoop, ????" after every incomprehensible sentence, Scoopwatch will limit itself to merely highlighting the most of the mangled syntax and leave it to you to provide the appropriate response. Some passages, of course, still beg for a verbal wedgie, which Scoopwatch is more than happy to administer as required.

Jamaal (Trenton): I am a true fan of your work Scoop. [SW: Gulp] I was in the minority in thinking that McNabb had a lot more to do with his souring relationship with T.O. than most of the national media suggested. While T.O. is immature, I think it's also true that McNabb was jealous of the title of "the missing piece" the city gave to T.O. Thoughts?

Scoop Jackson: (4:00 PM ET ) I thought/think there are some legit issues that when on the T.O. exposed. To me a franchise can nopt be that strong if one man came come in and distrupt and destroy it the way that T.O. did. To me, that episode said as much about Owens as it did the Eagles as a team/franchise.

A banner start, Scoop! 4:00 on the dot, and we've already left comprehensibility stranded at the station.

Sebastian Melmoth, Scarsdale, NY: Have you ever been to a sports event that wasn't a lifechanging experience?

Scoop Jackson: (4:11 PM ET ) yes. the 1994 NBA Finals.

Scoopwatch makes its first appearance in a Scoop Jackson chat! Mark the date folks. Borrowing Oscar Wilde's old pseudonym, Scoopwatch's first question is an unexceptional piece of cheap sarcasm. Hard to tell whether Scoop's answer is serious. Hard to tell if Scoop is ever serious, come to think of it.

LaBonte Jackson, Sacramento, Cali: 'sup, Scoop? bout time a voice was herd on the air, on the page, and in the brains of the nation like yours. My Qs: Doyou feel pressure to conform on ESPN? To change who you is as you is presented, if not who you is deep down? How can I, as a college freshman, stay true to my roots, my hood, myself and still succeed on "their" terms?

Scoop Jackson: (4:17 PM ET ) the only thing I can tell you is in order to stay true, or the best way I can suggest that you stay true, is by going beyond whats necessaary or normal for whatever field you want to get into. I believe that if you over-compensate yourself to the degree that your resume, work ethic and exectiion of that work are beyond what others in that field are doing, you have a strong chance in staying true to what you believe and have a chance to have your work show that.

Scoopwatch makes its second appearance. That's two in a row! At this point I was seriously wondering whether I was the only person submitting questions, and was worrying about coming up with aliases and dumb questions for a full hour. In this case, I thought I was walking a fine line. I wanted to see how linguistically-challenged a question could be and still make the cut in a Scoop chat. Apparently the line ain't so fine, because (dear God!) Scoop took it. I'm going to have to pound a few sixers and type blindfolded next time. The second point of this question was to see if Scoop, when offering career advice to a college freshman (i.e., someone who is supposed to be able to write semi-coherently) would tell him to learn to write properly. Apparently not.

J-Pete (Alexandria, Virginia): I read an interview in which you slammed sports reporters as"nauseating" and said they are just out to trip up the players. If you're not a sports reporter, then what do you consider yourself?

Scoop Jackson: (4:33 PM ET ) i was misquoted! :-)

The third of my questions, and the last that Scoop took. Given the number of repeat questioners in this chat, Scoop's worldwide fanbase must be hovering between the number of black Barry Manilow fans and the number of male WNBA fans who aren't team owners. I'm actually sorry that Scoop ducked this question. I'll have to repost it next week. Though the next guy may have answered it for him:

Tom (Rockville): How many times do you have to tell these people that you're a sports writer, not an expert analyst? Love the work man. The U.S. Open piece was unreal. Might have to take a trip up to Flushing next year because of it. And don't be afraid to put the race subject out there. It's a huge part of sports and more importantly life.

Scoop Jackson: (5:41 PM ET ) Thanks. I agree.

Tom, by any chance is your real name Robert Jackson? I can think of a few sportswriters who weren't expert analysts - George Plimpton springs to mind - but they could all ... how should I put this ... write.

Soren (LA): How bad can it get for the Raiders? Do you think Shell should kick the crap out of Porter?

Scoop Jackson: (5:41 PM ET ) Shell has so many more problems than Porter. [SW: Ambiguous, please revise.] His teameither played horrble or they just are. After watching that game Monday, I think it's the latter. i'm wondering is Aaron Brooks really that bad? Is the O-Line that bad? Is Moss that one-dimensional? Or are the Chargers really that good?

Come again, Scoop? You're wondering "is Aaron Brooks really that bad?" You know, they show the NFL on t.v. these days, Scoop.

Greg(Boston): You going to see my Pats in the Super Bowl this year? If so, see ya there Scoop

Jackson: (4:45 PM ET ) losing BDBranch was big. I think they''ve lost too many intrigal players over the last two-three years. As good as Brady is, I always thought they won by committee. McGinnis gone hurts, but losing Adam V. is going to really hurt them as the season goes on. I think he alone was good for 3wins in the regular season and 1 in the playoffs. they'll miss that and that will be the difference.

"Intrigal." Pay attention. You'll be seeing this one again.

Tom (Dictionary): "Intrigal" is not a word. You meant "integral".

Scoop Jackson: (4:49 PM ET ) you all gotta understand, I Can't Type!!!

. . .

Joe (CA): Scoop, not to break your chops but isn't a journalist who can't type like a teacher who can't read?!

Scoop Jackson: (4:53 PM ET ) it depends. See typing on a chat is different than typing astory. there is no spell check and you can't really look back on what u type b/c you're trying to answer as many questiona as possible in an hour. so when i say i can't type i mean under the chat rules. typos are going to be regular.

Uh, Scoop? Confusing "integral" and "intrigal" isn't a typo, it's a spelling mistake (and, quite probably, a pronunciation mistake). Misspelling "integral" as "integrla" or "intergal" might be a typo resulting from typing too fast, but "intrigal" isn't even close. The keys you'd have to mishit aren't close enough to each other for this misspelling to be accidental. So there's a mystery solved. Scoop's appalling grammar and spelling isn't just affected, he either (a) doesn't care to try harder, or (b) doesn't know any better. Or both. Did Scoop mention he has a masters degree?

Kevin(Chicago): Scoop, how do you feel about the Bears this year?

Scoop Jackson: (4:48 PM ET ) I thought the Bears were going to start the season 0-3. They were having so many issues at 3 of their main offensive positions: QB. RB and WR. But i didn't look at their schedule. So I think they're safe. Win the North. But I can't see them getting to the Conference Finals.

Hold it right there, Scoop. You thought the Bears were going to start the season 0-3, but you didn't look at their schedule? I know you don't do much of what journalists like to call "research" and you aren't really so concerned with what some people might call the "facts," but come on, Scoop. Could you at least make an effort to hide the fact you just mail it in? Please? By the way Scoop, who do you think is going to win the 2:30 game on ABC this Saturday? Without looking at the teams.

Tom Rehobath DE: Do you like the Ravens defense this year

Scoop Jackson: (4:41 PM ET ) Love it. i'm just concerned about a major injury taking them out for about 6 or 7games. Ed Reed - not ray Lewis - might finally get the DOY this year.

. . .

Billy Bob (Kansas): It's me again. You are so dumb - Ed Reed won DOY in 2004. Oh, and you're also an idiot.

Scoop Jackson: (4:51 PM ET ) Thanks. I did forget. Idiot, true.

This is a recurring theme in any Scoop chat. The same posters writing in to point out Scoop's blunders and gratuitously insult him. Sounds kind of fun, huh? Actually it's painful. Like watching Paul Newman get beat up by George Kennedy. Stay down, Scoop. Actually, I'm just impressed Scoop looked at the roster.

Finally, we'll end with one of the most pointless and ridiculous series of Qs and As in ESPN chat history. I'll just post the text and let Scoop dig his own grave.

Willie (NY): Who is the best player in the NBA?

Scoop Jackson: (4:01 PM ET ) 24, 3, 23, 3, 21. In that order.

. . .

Pres (Boise, Idaho): There's a hole in your player rankings, the only reason you could put Wade ahead of LBJ is because of the ring ... if that's true how the hell could you put KG or AI ahead of Duncan and his three that he won?

Scoop Jackson: (5:15 PM ET ) Dude, it's not in any order. I just posted 5. The top 5, noorder. And for the record, 21 is TD in my five.

. . .

nick (ny, ny): Willie (NY): Who is the best player in the NBA? Scoop Jackson: (4:01 PM ET ) 24, 3, 23, 3, 21. In that order. dont you dare get snippy with your audience

Scoop Jackson: (5:19 PM ET ) I feel you, but It wasnt a ranking. "In that order" was more of an empahsis on the players. not a ranking from 1-5. My bad on the misunderstand.

mikey (teaneck): But on the list you wrote "In that order"?

Scoop Jackson: (5:22 PM ET ) Afagin i didn't mean it like that. But since we're being"specific" I'll do this. Best 5 Players in the NBA by rank. 1. Kobe Bryant. 2. Tim Duncan 3.Dwyade 4. Lebron James 5. Allen Iverson. Cool?!?

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Scoop Jackson! (Or Robert Jackson, since we're being "specific").


Blogger Captain Caveman said...

You are a scholar and a patriot. I would never have the patience or masochism to do such a noble deed. Thank you.

1:59 PM  

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